Taking Back Our Time and Our Power

A week here on Earth (and I’m assuming anyone reading this lives on this planet) is 168 hours. It’s how many hours you and I have each week of every year we’re here. No more, no less.

I consider myself a productive person, mainly because I don’t watch much TV (less than an hour per day; more during baseball season, less during election run-up). Beyond that, to feel like I have “enough” time for things about which I care (health, family, etc.), the best I can do is to make my time choices in accordance with my values.

Let me distinguish between spending my time doing things I’d rather not be doing but that are necessary (e.g., cleaning the refrigerator, getting routine medical tests) and doing things for and with people who are undeserving of my time, which feels wasteful.

And unacceptable.

Think about it.  We can all suck up unpleasant tasks, if at some point, they will benefit us or those around us. Even life skills that masquerade as gender roles (cooking, laundry) can be companionably allocated. (Fred does the laundry, but I fold. I find it soothing.) But it’s hard – and unfair -- to suck up and spend time with unpleasant people or doing work that makes them look good at our own expense. And acknowledging bias, as women, I think we fall prey to that trap more often than men. (I said what I said.  I’ve been “kingmaking” for a long time.)

Most women experience a time gap, in addition to well-documented wealth and wage gaps. On one hand, we spend extra time on those tasks that reflect our values (sleep lost to soothe children who don’t feel well and ONLY want Mommy, etc.) On the other hand, we are asked to defer our own recognition, production, or compensation for the greater good or the flashier teammate. If you haven’t ever been put in this situation, count yourself lucky.

To be clear, I’m describing uncompensated/unrecognized time; not the kind of compensation/recognition that comes with being a world-class small forward who gets paid to draw fouls.  When I began my career, this would have been something akin to, “Can you type this up for me?  You’re so much faster than I am.” Except my job wasn’t secretary. Eventually, I learned to negotiate something in return for those favors. Or I stopped doing them.

Are you familiar with Constance Baker Motley? She was a civil rights trailblazer, an attorney, and later, a judge who served as a junior partner of Thurgood Marshall. She was instrumental in writing his argument in the landmark case of Brown v. Board of Education. My guess is you don’t know much, if anything, about this amazing woman because she was not credited publicly for her accomplishments.  What’s doubly galling is that Marshall himself elevated a male colleague over her at the NAACP. 

But I digress.

My point is this: when we spend our time working, living, and playing within our values, we have enough time, and we’re willing to make enough time for what’s important to us. But when we spend our time outside our values, without recognition, compensation, or a simple “thank you,” the activity is an exercise in toleration; something to endure. And it makes us feel like we never have enough time for ourselves. I have time for my exercise, my meal prep, my mom and my sleep because I choose to have that time. And, when I am asked to spend my time on a “toleration,” I use the classic improv tool, “Yes, and….” to negotiate what I want in exchange for the hours I’ll never get back. Or I remind myself of the negotiated transactional nature of the work. I’m not any less busy than I have been in the past.  But I don’t feel as put upon. My time is my own, so to speak. 

And that’s why, as women of a certain age (that’s you), we should be conscious of how we use our time with intention and aligned with our values. We shouldn’t suck up our personal and professional “kingmaking”; we should exact a suitable quid pro quo by calling it what it is, especially if we gain compensation or recognition. We should renegotiate the return of personal time from our family, as the terms of engagement have changed when tweens become teens and young adults; and partners require different skills and roles than when the kids were young. And when we do, we’ll reduce the feeling of a time gap and, maybe, trickle that down to further reduce the wage and wealth gaps too.

I like to say that feeling wealthy happens at the intersection of our time, money, and values. We can fix this.  #WeRescueOurselves

The information contained herein and shared by Madrina Molly™ constitutes financial education and not investment or financial advice